May 04, 2018
A long time ago, in a grassy field far far away, there lived a flock of sheep, and this flock of sheep was the happiest flock of sheep that ever existed. Every sheep had lots of grass to eat, clean stream water to drink, trust, love, honesty and honor between them, and singing and dancing all day long, and at night the sheep dreamed peaceful sheep dreams. Ah, it was always meant to be like this.
Until one day, along came a gigantic bull.
"Hello everyone! I'm Frank the bull!".. the bull loudly proclaimed. A few sheep looked up, but mostly they were focused on trying to decide whether the longer blades of grass tasted better than the shorter ones.
Frank the bull continued undeterred, "I have something special to show you!", and up rolled a rather large wagon, covered in trinkets and toys for girls and boys. Slowly, one-by-one, the sheep started to gather round as Frank the bull continued his spiel. "Come one come all my fellow sheep, for I have plenty of trinkets for everyone".
Taddy-Tucker sheep saw a beautiful carrot on a string, and bursting with a very unfamiliar sense of wantism, he asked Frank the bull, "Can I have the carrot please kind bull?". Frank the bull says, "well certainly my good man, what do you have to trade for it?".
Now Taddy-Tucker sheep was certainly confused. Trade? He doesn't have anything to trade? So he says to Frank the bull, "I have nothing to offer. I am but a simple sheep".
"Oh come now my brother sheep, certainly there is something you can do for me?" said Frank the bull, and he continued, "I'll make you a deal, and I'll make all of you sheep a deal too. I'll give each one of you a glorious item of your choosing from my fine selection of gifts, if you agree to split your grasslands with me. One half for the sheep, and one half for me, Frank the bull".
The sheep look at each other, and in short order, they all seem to agree that this can't possibly be a bad deal, so they say sure, let's do it. Frank the bull pulls out a pre-filled 56-page contract, and one-by-one, the sheep sign it; except one.
Overjoyed, the sheep practically ransack the cart. Sally-sue sheep got her Foreman grill, Chattie-Charlie sheep got his snowboard, Nannie-nit sheep got her Nintendo, seems every sheep got the best gift ever..except for Skeptic-Steve sheep; he sat by himself on the periphery, with a serious look on his face.
"Excuse me!", said Skeptic-Steve sheep loudly. "Excuse me! I don't think we sheep have thought this through well enough. I think if we step back for a minute and do the math, it becomes quite obvious that there won't be enough grass to feed all of us if we give half our land away to Frank the bull. I really don't think this is a good idea!".
Frank the bull says, "Well kind sheep friend, a deal is a deal, and the majority have signed the contract. There's nothing more to discuss". Frank the bull then drew a big red line across the middle of the grassland. He then pointed to the other half, and said, "That side, my friends, is yours, and this side is mine. Please, do enjoy yourselves on your side, but respectfully please keep off of mine."
Some time passes. The sheep realize pretty quickly that despite the fact that the grass lasted a couple days, it certainly doesn't grow back fast enough in just one half, and soon, they are running out of food.
The sheep start complaining, they're fighting with each other, they become territorial. Close friends become bitter enemies. They are no longer happy. They all approach Skeptic-Steve sheep and tell him that they are hungry.
"What the hell did I tell you??", yelled Skeptic-Steve sheep. "There's nothing I can do, you all signed the land away, and if we're any self-respecting dignified sheep, we have to honor our word."
"But we're starving!", cried the sheep. Without warning, Mini-Wage sheep, screams, "I can't take it any more!!", he runs across the red line and dives into the thick voluptuous green grass on the side of Frank the bull. Suddenly, the ground around Mini-Wage sheep erupts into a cage that traps him and pulls him high into the sky, suspended from a tall tree, incarcerated.
Frank the bull walks up to the red line, "and let that be a lesson to you all. No stealing!"
"But we're starving!" Say a bunch of the sheep. "There's just not enough land for us to grow food"
Frank the bull grins a grin so evil that it's almost like he planned his next words long before he ever spoke his first words to them. "Well my sheep friends, there's only one way to have access to my grass, and that's by my terms"
"Yes, whatever, what are the terms?!"
Frank the bull says, "you must sign over the rest of your land, and in exchange you can graze off of any part of the field BUT....for every mouthful of grass you eat, you must bring me a mouthful to put in my pile"
"OK OK, we agree"
Frank the bull pulls out the 78-page pre-filled contract, and most of the sheep sign it, save one..
"Now wait just a goddam minute here fellow sheep! Are you really that stupid??", yells skeptic-Steve sheep. "It's still only half the grass! But now we don't even own any land! We're still going to starve!"
The rest of the sheep look at each other confused. Finally Dropout-Dufus sheep says, "Chill out dude, like, we can graze off the entire land yo. What part of twice the land are you missing, duh", and the other sheep giggle.
After a couple days of feasting off of Frank the bull's grass, and building up a huge pile of grass for him, slowly the reality of mathematics catches up to them and they now realize that even with twice the land, they're still not getting enough food for everyone, and they are starving once more.
They approach Frank the bull and beg him for some of his grass pile, and with a gleam in his eye that clearly shows he'd been waiting for this moment from long before the first moment ever happened, he smiles and says, "gentle sheep, I can share with you my grass, but I will need you to do some things for me. From now on, you must bring all the grass to me, and I will sell it to you, for a fair price of course."
As usual, the sheep all looked at each other very confused. Finally, Skeptic-Steve sheep demands, "well if you have all the grass, and you have all the land, how are we supposed to pay you anything for the grass??"
Frank, the bull says, "ah yes, that brings me to my next point. From now on, you all work for me, and I will pay you in turdollars, for which you can exchange for grass. Mr. Skeptic-Steve sheep, please stick out your hoof." Frank the bull then turns around and from his ass, drops a fist-sized fresh one right into the sheep's hoof.
Horrified, Skeptic-Steve sheep yells, "This is BULLSHIT!" He turns to face his fellow sheep, "My dear companions, we are being robbed and enslaved by this con-artist shyster! We don't have to accept this fate! We can recognize that we are being lied to, taken advantage of, and we are entitled to demand this crime be corrected and our land returned to us so we can live as the free sheep we used to be!"
As Skeptic-Steve sheep's eyes scanned the herd, he quickly realized, there was no fight left in them, they were too weak from hunger, too desperate to demand anything, too clueless to even see what's going on. The battle was already lost the moment Frank the bull arrived with a cart-full of worthless trinkets.
Defeated, denigrated, and hungry, Skeptic-Steve sheep submits sadly, "You win, Frank the bull. How much grass does one turdollar buy?"...
Months go by, the sheep have built Frank the bull a house, a lambo, a 100-ft megayacht. Now the sheep are working harder than ever, and no matter how many turdollars they earn, the price for grass never seems to stop climbing. It seems Frank the bull is determined to find the absolute maximum productivity he can get out of the sheep. And why not? It doesn't cost HIM anything because he's the one that controls the payroll. Whenever Frank the bull decides he needs to build another equestrian park, he shits some more turdollars, and the hungry sheep work 24/7 to get it built.
It wasn't supposed to be this way.
Frank the bull senses the anger growing in some of the sheep. But being the clever bull he is, he assigns a few of the more compliant sheep the job of security, and he pays them well for their loyalty.
Skeptic-Steve sheep is losing his mind. He starts talking to some of the other angry sheep and soon they team up with the intent of confronting Frank the bull. Unfortunately, before this could happen, Frank the bull's spies already informed him of the pending dissent, and Frank sends his security team over to defuse the situation. It doesn't go as planned however, for there seems to be just as many sheep backing Skeptic-Steve sheep as there are in Frank's security team, lead by Douchebag-Dan sheep.
Skeptic-Steve sheep steps right into Douchebag-Dan Sheep's face. "What the FUCK MAN?!?".. he screamed. "It's not enough that Frank the bull makes us work to our literal breaking point with all his fucking elitist make-work projects that he pays for with his infinite supply of currency coming out of his ass, but now you, my brother, are going to sell-out and protect him?!? Don't you see what he's doing to us?? He's turned us all into his slaves, and enemies of each other!"
Douchebag-Dan sheep smugly says, "Calm down sir, we're just trying to keep the peace here, nothing to see, why don't everybody just go home and get some sleep now".
Not a single sheep budged.
"Last chance Douchebag-Dan sheep!" yelled Skeptic-Steve sheep. "To hell with these fulltime jobs, mortgages, taxes, etc.; we're taking back our land and exercising our birthright to live off of it as sheep were meant to, with, or without you! Stop protecting Frank the bull, he's the enemy, not us! We can all be happy again, instead of just him!"
Douchebag-Dan sheep says, "I serve but one master, the one, the only, Master Frank, the bull"
Skeptic-Steve sheep screams, "There can be more than ONE!!". And with that, both sides attack and the field explodes into a fury of bloody baaaas, lamb chops, and ruined sweaters. The battle rages well past sunset, until finally, ultimately, there are no survivors.
Frank the bull looks over the carnage, sighs, collects all the trinkets he had traded to the sheep, loads up, and starts his journey to find the next field of happy sheep to enslave. As he's walking away, it occurs to him that the missing piece this particular time was not giving the sheep hope. Next time, he says to himself, I'm going to create a cryptocurrency exchange so they can optimistically invest their turdollars, but I'll manipulate the prices with my hedge funds so they keep working harder than ever. He then disappears over the horizon.
Somewhere high above the grassless blood-soaked field, the lonely bleats of a dangling incarcerated sheep echoed far into the night.
Frank the bull = banks/governments/1%
Bullshit = inflationary fiat currency
Sheep = uneducated simple folk (sheeple)
Skeptic-Steve sheep = the few that see beyond the smokescreen
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