Cat Lady

Sep 28, 2023

A long time ago, in a village far far away, there lived a sweet little old lady in a tiny humble cottage. Now this sweet little old lady didn't have a mean bone in her body, she wouldn't harm a fly, and would in fact take great care in capturing any flies in her tiny humble cottage and then gently liberate them out the front door; such is the gentle nature of this sweet little old lady.

One day, this sweet little old lady was going about her usual daily business of making pies for people that would never visit, when a surprise guest appeared on her window sill. It was the most beautiful, most elegant, most intelligent of creatures; it was a young tabby feline, with bright orange fur, speckled with dazzling lines, sharp-pointed ears, and crisp penetrating green eyes that would melt your heart should she look upon you; although decidedly a bit too skinny.

The sweet little old lady was instantly enchanted by this creature obviously sent from God for her to take care of, and cautiously approached, eager to gently lay her hands upon this wonderful creature's luxurious coat of fur, but likewise afraid to scare her off. But that didn't happen, as fate had already decided that they belonged together, and without further delay, the delicate precious feline jewel scampered over to the sweet little old lady, rubbing against her aged legs, purring like she had just found her new mother; and a new mother the sweet little old lady was to become.

With tears of joy in her eyes, the sweet little old lady gently picked up this beautiful creature, and after a healthy and wonderful period of gently caressing the beautiful creature's luxurious coat of fur, and after feeding her newfound friend with a delicious tiny morsel of pie (which the beautiful feline LOVED), the sweet little old lady looked her new friend in the eyes and said, "my beautiful friend, I'm going to call you...Catelin".

And such it begins, the story of the sweet little old lady and her beautiful cat Catelin. And what a wonderful companion Catelin was to be for the sweet little old lady, keeping the sweet little old lady company while she made her pies, keeping the sweet little old lady warm at night by snuggling by her side. It was a heavenly match, and the sweet little old lady could not remember a happier time in her life.

Then one day it would happen a stranger was passing by the sweet little old lady's tiny humble cottage as the sweet little old lady was laying out her pies on the window sill to cool, and the sweet baked apple/blueberry pie aromas filled the air, and the nostrils of the stranger. The stranger stopped by the window to say hello to the sweet little old lady, nothing short of begging for just a tiny sliver of a piece of pie. Of course!, said the sweet little old lady, and quickly proffered a generous pie piece to the stranger, who devoured it with the haste of a starving man.

After consuming the pie, and saying countless thank you's, the stranger was about to depart, when the beautiful creature Catelin, hopped onto the very same window sill. It behooved the stranger to say, "Oh my, what a beautiful creature! Though I would be careful about taking strays into your home. They may look cute and cuddly, but nature has a plan."

All at once, the beautiful blue sky began to fill with the most darkest, most menacing of clouds, pathetically in concert with the most fallacious of coincidences, as the sweet little old lady's soft gentle eyes slowly transformed into a tighter and tighter, and ever more tighter scowl, the likes of which her face has never before produced, nor thought to even be possible. "GET OUT OF HERE AT ONCE YOU ATHEIST MONSTER!!", the incensed little old lady screamed like a madwoman. "How fucking DARE you try to challenge our one and only God's plan! Catelin is the most perfect of creatures, obviously sent to me to care for!", she continued.

The stranger dropped his plate and the few remaining pie crumbs with it, and ran for his life, not so much as pausing for breath until very far away from the crazy little old lady.

Several minutes passed and the sweet little old lady regained her composure. And reflecting upon the moments just passed, she was set aback at just how abrupt and powerful her response was, and yet it felt good to inform the stranger, nay, the WORLD, that while Catelin was part of her life, nobody would ever take beautiful Catelin away from her. And such it was to be that Catelin was free to be as much a cat as Catelin wished to be, all within God's plan.

A few days later, after many more barely eaten pies, it happened that a tomcat appeared on the sweet little old lady's window sill, and as luck would have it, the tomcat equally employed its charms of luxurious fur, penetrating eyes, ceaseless purring, and gentle caressing of the sweet little old lady's aged legs, and as equally found himself a new home, and the three of them began living in endless bliss, filled with love, pie, and happiness. But what happens over the course of the next few months dear reader, you will never possibly guess, if you're retarded.

MEOW!..screamed Catelin, her belly full of something mysterious and magical. The sweet little old lady was beside herself, frantic with joy, but likewise anxious from helplessness, as Catelin obviously was in great pain from labor, but surely and steadily, as God's plan proceeded, 8 tiny new cat babies were born, and likewise became the sweet little old lady's latest residents. These new beautiful creatures didn't waste any time, and within short order grew considerably and were quickly weaned off their mother's milk and needed real food.

As if part of God's plan, now the sweet little old lady's historically-uneaten pies had found grateful appetites, for every pie that she laid down to cool would quickly be consumed by the clowder of cats that shared the sweet little old lady's tiny humble cottage. The sweet little old lady's bed was more crowded than ever and she barely got any sleep, but if this is God's plan, then how could the sweet little old lady complain, or even feel annoyed, for she should be grateful for all that God has given her.

But that's not the end of our story dear reader, that's just the beginning, for as it were, it didn't take long before another feline appeared at the window sill, and likewise found a new home within the sweet little old lady's tiny humble cottage, and then another feline, and then another tomcat, and then another. Without delay, the felines found themselves bursting with countless more miracles, pumping them out like tiny kitten cannons. The sweet little old lady's tiny humble cottage had rapidly transformed into a dumpster-pile mass of fur, cat shit, and endless caterwauling turf/mating-battles. The sweet little old lady had to bake as fast as she could to be able to feed all these hungry new mouths, and was quickly going through her small coin jar to buy all the ingredients. The sweet little old lady could not get one moment's rest with all the noise and smell of SHIT and ceaseless fighting going on in her previously tranquil tiny humble cottage. But if this is God's plan, and she was designated with the divine role of taking care of these beautiful creatures of God, then she must allow God to operate through her, a good servant she is.

It didn't take much longer for the sweet little old lady's small coin jar to eventually be emptied, and no longer was the sweet little old lady able to make the pies that her now 1000 cats (and counting) required, and the repercussions were quick. If she thought that 1000 cats that were well-fed were loud, jesus fucking christ are 1000 starving pissed-the-fuck-off cats OUTRAGEOUSLY even louder! Unable to even feed herself, unable to rest, and unable to escape the incessant screeching and fighting, and now the cats have even started biting her, she had no choice but to escape to her tiny yard outside, while the starving cats murdered and ate each other in the sweet little old lady's tiny humble shit-filled dander-nightmare cottage.

As the sweet little old lady stood in the yard, looking upon her cat-infested tiny humble cottage all day long and well into the evening, with sadness in her heart, she realized her mistake, her single misstep, her one flaw in perspective that brought this tragedy to be. And the more she thought about it, the more her eyes began to scowl, and the more her eyes began to scowl, the darker the skies became with the blackest of clouds, and as her eyes kept scowling deeper and deeper, more than twice the scowl she lambasted the stranger with, well eventually the clouds broke in a thunderous clap, and in the ensuing downpour, with only lightning to occasionally illuminate the sweet little old lady's now maximally scowled face, she reached the climax of her realization, her discovery of the truth, her verdict....

There is no fucking god.

Inside the tiny humble cottage, the screaming cats were too preoccupied with murdering and eating each other to notice the front door had opened, and what had used to be the sweet little old lady, was no longer the sweet little old lady. What stood at the door, soaking wet, scythe in hand, was natural-selection incarnate. For you see, what she had allowed to happen in her tiny humble cottage wasn't charity, it was obscured cruelty of the sweetest form. If she had just not given Catelin a home, then Catelin would've lived the life of a normal cat bound by the resources nature provided in Catelin's natural domain, as it has always been. The sweet little old lady had interfered with nature's plan by imposing a false god's plan, and now the suffering created is 1000 TIMES what it needed to be. The sweet little old lady now realized she had artificially ignited Catelin's involuntary and powerful overcompensating reproductive instincts by providing endless pies and safe harbor, resulting in her financial ruin and the 1000 cats that now must be viciously brutally hacked to pieces in an unwanted war to reconquer her tiny humble cottage.

Over the screams of the cats, a new scream was heard, but much louder and quite scary, if not brittle, for it was the scream of someone that used to be a sweet little old lady, but this little old lady was now anything but sweet. This little old lady was mad as fuck, eyes filled with hate, bloodletting in her soul. The angry little old lady leapt into the seething mass of cat chaos, powerfully swinging her scythe with lifetime-practiced deftness, easily slicing through six cats at a time, their lopped body parts flinging into the air but never touching ground before another starving cat had it in their mouth.

10, 20, 50 cats destroyed, but the now insanely murderous angry little old lady was quickly running out of steam. There were just too many of them. Eventually she could swing no more, and the cats, their hunger overwhelming their prior cuddliness and loyalty to the angry little old lady, attacked her. One bite, two bites, ten! 50! The terrified little old lady falls to the ground and is quickly completely buried by 950 cats. Soon, the screams of agony of the terrified little old lady cease, and just as soon the cats are finished with her, for now there is nothing left of the sweet little old lady but her aged bones.

It's quiet now in the sweet little old lady's tiny humble cottage. Despite all the best efforts of the sweet little old lady, no amount of trying to be smarter than nature changed the inevitable outcome. With no further pies coming, the remaining starving and battletorn cats were forced to leave and find other sources of food so they could try to ignite their reproductive instincts naturally. But it's tough out in nature, most cats don't survive, nor do most of their multiples of offspring.

As is nature's plan. As it has always been.

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