Crypto Enema

Apr 03, 2018


"Captain, there it is again! I'm certain this time. Seems to be coming from all directions. It's almost like we're surrounded."

The Captain of the S.S. Scumbag looks out the bridge portholes. He could just make out all the tiny "regulation" boats on the horizon. "Aaaargh, what's their firepower potential??"

"I can't say for sure Captain, but look how many of them are showing up on the radar now, thousands, tens of thousands! Even if they have pea-shooters, we're never going to survive!"

The Captain pauses for a moment. He realizes that it won't be long before the ultimate scam of scams, their money-laundering ship of the century, is about to get rekt. What to do? How can he escape this demise? But there is no escape; anonymity is the final sanctuary of thieves, and the regulation navy is coming with a vengeance.

BOOOMM!! Aft-port quarter explodes in a fireball. The Chinese-ban torpedo was a direct hit. BOOOM!! BLAMMMO!! Crypto-ads blocked, BCH delisted. BADAMMMM!!! SEC investigating ICOs. "Let's get out of here!!!!!"

Utter chaos ensues, every con-artist crewmember for themselves now. The initial onslaught grows in intensity as more and more regulatory boats join the attack. It now sounds like a hailstorm as the ship takes KYC machine-gun fire. The ocean market starts to flood the decks as the ship slowly sinks.

One con-artist crewmember screams, "To the privacy coin lifeboats!!" A lucky few find their way to the lifeboats, only to find that the SS Monero has no bottom, and the SS Dash is loaded to the tits with dynamite.

The ship falters hard now, listing 30 degrees to starboard, half submerged, still taking heavy fire. Terrified con-artists are helplessly sliding down the deck into the turbulent market water, desperately trying to sell their coins to convert to life preservers of cash, but their coins are too heavy, and they sink under their own weight.

The captain stands at the helm; he knows he can hide no longer; he is ready to go down with the ship. He mutters under his breath, "at least I took everyone else down too". And with that, the S.S. Scumbag gives a final belch of defiance, and quickly sinks from sight, dragging down hundreds of con-artists with it. The deflated market ocean swallows them up, and the regulatory boat navy comes to a rest above.

Now that the smoke cleared, the regulation navy Admiral grabs the radio and speaks to the entire battalion, "Sailors, I know there have been many lambo sacrifices, and I know hope has been in short supply, but the cancer has to be cured before the body can be healthy. Mark this day in history, as the day we said no more to scams, no more to terrorist funding, no more to letting the underground filth dictate the health of crypto. Let regulations protect our people, and foster an honest crypto ecosystem for all"

The sailors from every ship let out a brief cheer, but the mood quickly returned to somber, for not only did the S.S. Scumbag sink, but it brought the entire market with it. Nobody won that battle. What's the point? Is the market dead now? Was it only ever alive because of the criminal element in the first place? How are these coins going to have any fucking value without the millions of criminal dollars?? It just seems like such a waste. We're all poor now, some of us lost everything.

And then...far overhead, at first imperceptible, but getting closer, and now much more visible, the sky suddenly and absolutely fills with tens of thousands of impossibly gigantic dirigibles; closer and closer as they continue to descend. There's the remittances airship, there's the banking airship, and of course the retail airship, now the micropayments airship, and tons and tons of other airships that were all afraid to come near because of the threat presented by the S.S. Scumbag, are now ready to fly into the regulated crypto space.

The esteemed leader of the vast airship convoy speaks over a megaphone: Attention Admiral of the regulation navy. We are quite pleased that you have removed any unknowns from the crypto space. This gives us a sense of comfort that our assets will be protected and that we can conduct our business with certainty, something we could not begin to entertain in an unregulated ecosystem. Now that we have perfect clarity on the rules and regulations, we only have one question remaining: What's the fastest way for us to convert trillions of dollars into crypto?..

Patience my friends.. it's coming.

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