Apr 26, 2024

Once upon a time long forgotten, there was a clever middle-aged carpenter named Gerald. Our hero Gerald, was a hard-working tradesman, had a big and generous heart, and lived a humble life in his humble village with his happy family in his happy home, and over the years, his work was oft praised by his customers and he earned quite the local reputation as an artisan tradesman.

Yet despite his skills, and despite his reputation, he was consistently passed over for membership in the King's Royal Carpenters Guild, where only about 1% of applicants are accepted. Sadly, it seems Gerald wasn't born of enough stature so the wealthy high-ranking guild members privately deemed Gerald 'too common' to be fit for inclusion in this most prestigious of carpenter guilds.

Alas, it was of little import to Gerald, for his life was great, and who'd want to be part of a group of stuck-up, power-hungry, pretentious assholes anyway? Gerald would much rather continue perfecting his art.

To that end, and never satisfied with just the ancient and traditional ways of doing things, Gerald often experimented with new techniques, new designs, new assembly processes, and this persistent pursuit finally led to his inventing something that those of us today can't imagine a world before its invention. But like everything that has ever been invented, it had to happen at some point in history, and at this particular point in history, this particular date, this particular time, Gerald, invented..

the "hammer".

One patent later, and it didn't take long before the incredible genius of Gerald spread like wildfire throughout the kingdom. In a matter of months, nearly every carpenter in the kingdom was using Gerald's hammers, and even though he only charged 1 gold coin for each hammer he sold, the riches poured like rain upon him.

The stuck-up mega-pricks in the King's Royal Carpenters Guild saw this and they weren't happy. Not only did they miss out on profiting on Gerald's invention should they previously have allowed him to join the guild after signing a "what's yours is ours" contract, but now they look foolish for turning away such a brilliant tradesman. Their bitterness grew with each passing day as Gerald's riches became obscene and they continued to be ignored as everyone focused on Gerald.

The guild's convent of slimy corrupt conscienceless assholes decided to do something about Gerald's success, and schemed and plotted and connived well into the night, and from the sheer determination that can only be found from intense jealousy and greed, a Machiavellian plan was hatched that was to take the people of the kingdom by surprise.

A few days later, at midnight, a mother's scream was heard throughout Gerald's village. Within moments, dozens of bewildered torch-bearing villagers arrived at the scene to discover the most horrific of sights. It was a small unclothed child that lay on the ground, skull-crushed, a small satchel on the ground nearby (obviously dropped by the perpetrator in his hurry to escape the scene of the crime), and laying beside the child's crushed head, was of course, a blood-soaked hammer.

Oh the horror! The mother was beyond consoling, wailing for hours on end, the villagers beside themselves how this could've happened and who could be capable of such a heinous murderous act that seemed to have no purpose.

Some time passed, the villagers began to heal from this trauma, but there was a new vibe forming, stoked by the members of the guild. It seemed every time someone brought up the virtues of Gerald's wonderful hammer invention, some guild member would remind everyone with their negative propaganda that it was a hammer that killed that child. And over time, like a bunch of fucking imbeciles, the common folks started associating the hammer with murdering children as the primary use case for a hammer.

But the guild's propaganda campaign didn't stop there:

"It's too dangerous!" they'd cry.

"It needs to be kept out of criminals' hands!" they'd yell.

And as if that wasn't enough to discredit Gerald's invention, they went even further than can be imagined, having plotted this plan to have the maximum impact:

"The satchel found near the child had money and drugs in it! The perpetrator was a money-laundering drug-dealer! And his weapon of choice was the hammer!"

or even more absurd,

"The child was found naked, so obviously the perpetrator was a child sex-trafficker and beats his child sex slaves with a hammer!"

On and on and on the guild's anti-hammer propaganda campaign continued its infectious spread, leveraging a ceaseless conveyor-belt of reality-bending histrionic spins, each more impossibly ridiculous than the last, yet effectively poisoning the minds of the incredibly gullible stupid fucking village idiots that could not detect obvious mind-fucking manipulation even if they were told up front they were going to be mind-fucked.

It was not long before the village turned against Gerald, indirectly blaming him for that child's death, and the sexual exploitation that poor child must've endured, and the child's drug problems, and the child's connections to the cartel as a mule, possible but unsubstantiated bomb-making residue found in the child's bedroom.

As if scripted by the guild members, eventually the villagers could take no more of the pain that the guild's anti-hammer propaganda campaign assured, and they rose up to demand that the king do something about this horrific weapon of unstoppable violence that the hammer has finally been rightly exposed for.

The king, who has always been perpetually enshrined with gifts and favors from the guild members, and for whom those guild members held an ear, decided to leave the decisions about this matter to the only body of relevant experts he had at his disposal, which was the guild of course!

The guild members, now royally ordained to do something about this lethal weapon of Gerald's contrivement, wasted no time and did the only thing that made sense, and Gerald was promptly arrested by the king's royal guard and subsequently vanished deep into the bowels of the castle's dungeons, Epstein cellblock, never to be heard from again.

But our hammer story doesn't end there dear reader, for there's still money left on the table, and to get at that money, the second phase of the guild's ploy must be fulfilled.

With Gerald firmly out of the picture, his patent rights confiscated, the guild starts a new propaganda campaign, one that declares victory over evil! One that also promotes the idea that hammers can be designed with safety in mind, that they can be regulated so only qualified people can wield them, that anybody creating similar horrific weapons will also be condemned to the castle's dungeons, and that the only organization that is allowed to make, supply, and regulate the hammer industry, will be the guild members of course.

Slowly the people's sentiments towards hammers began responding to the new more-positive propaganda campaign. The villagers would say things like:

"Man, so happy they apparently finally fixed the hammer so no more kids will be raped or killed! Can't wait till they're available!"


"I'd like to see a fucking terrorist take down a plane with the new supposedly safer hammer design, lol.. fucking religious nuts!"


"Did you hear about the guild's bank that laundered 50 billion dollars and got a $200 fine and nobody arrested?"


"I can't WAIT to finally get my hammer license! Woohoo!! YEAAAHH!!!"

As the long-anticipated opening day and specifically the opening hour for the guild's brand new hammer supply store and registry approached, a line of carpenters formed a mile long out front, each of them more filled with excitement than the next. Finally, FINALLY...the hammer store's purchasing window opened, and the very lucky first person in line screamed with excitement despite 5 days without a shower camped on this spot.

Choking back tears of joy, the carpenter proudly requested, "One child-safe, regulated, licensed, KYC'd, traceable, x-rayed, taxed, 6XR-gen eco-hammer with extended warranty please! Here’s my passport, completed hammer registration form, insurance certificate, notarized selfie and urine sample. Woohoo!! YEAAAHH!!!"

The guild member behind the window hands him his new hammer... The carpenter takes one look at it and immediately realizes he'd been had, for despite all the fancy wrapping, all the new laws, all the licensing, all the safety improvement claims, etc., what he held in his hands was an almost perfect replica of the hammers that Gerald used to make. With astonishment, the carpenter looked directly into the guild member's eyes to try to understand, what just happened here? And the guild member answered this question by saying:

"That'll be 100 gold coins please"

We love you @cz_binance. We owe the crypto industry to you. Big global hero's-welcome-back party when you get out.

Roman Semenov, Alexey Pertsev, Roman Storm, thank you for giving all of us the same privacy rights enjoyed by the guild. The next wave of defi-based anonymously-authored financial privacy products should finally put the hammer up the guilds’ collective asses.

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